Anonymous
by Lawrence The Shark
Summary: Your name is Tavros Nitram, and you're not really sure if you like being noticed. M for language and mild smut later on. Humanstuck, alternate universe.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N Welcome to my multi-chapter fic! I don't own the characters.**

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Your name is Tavros and you really fucking hate being noticed.  
Ever since you moved to the states you've been stared at. You're pretty used to being stared at, though, you've lost the use of your legs and cart yourself around in a wheelchair. You just hate the fact that you don't hear the words "cripple" or "pitiful" in their whispers anymore, you hear them call you "Mexican" and "faggot."  
But you've ignored it the past five years because you figure middle school is just fucking stupid and being a freshman in high school is no different. As a junior in high school you've come to realize that you really just don't care about what they whisper and most people have come to terms with who you are. But there are still bullies and you deal with them often and it's not like you can ask your friends to step in to help because you're not little anymore and you're not new around here so you should be able to defend yourself right?  
What really gets you, though, are the letters.  
Oh yes, ever since you moved here you've gotten anonymous love letters dropped in your locker. They started out slow, and were yet another thing for you to be laughed at over. "Ooohh, that Mexican kid's got a secret admirer!" could be heard whenever you found one, among other things. So getting them kind of carried a negative connotation for you for a long time.  
That is, until you and Nepeta became friends. Nepeta was an adorably nerdy little girl who liked to dress up like a cat and slip cat puns into her speech. She was quite the matchmaker and a hopeless romantic so she about gave herself a heart attack when she found out about the letters. She even demanded to read them, but that was absolutely NOT something you would allow.  
Time passed and the letters came more frequently. Sometimes they were short little poorly-worded poems, sometimes they were tiny drawings of a blacked-out figure holding your hand, and sometimes they were like diary entries, telling you about their day and what was going on in their life. The last ones were really very vague but you could get the general idea. Eventually they got kind of hard to understand, but the artwork and the poetry got better. Whoever it was put in a lot of effort to impress you.  
But they were always written in the same purple pen that was smudged all over the paper as if the writer had gone too fast and the ink wasn't nearly dry yet.  
You loved it, but it became a nuisance when you started getting about ten letters in your locker every other week.  
Today is the Giving Day, as you've come to classify it. Nepeta is with you, along with her brother Equius and your quiet friend Aradia, when you open your locker. As expected, several envelopes fall out onto your lap. There are a bit more than ten today, but it doesn't matter, you heave a heavy sigh and gather them all up.  
"I don't know, what I'm going to, uhh, do about this, Nep," you stutter. "It's getting, out of hand…"  
The small girl nods, nibbling the cuff of her sweater as she thinks. "I wonder who it could be that's sending them…what do mew think, Equius?"  
You watch her turn to her brother with the question. You also see him tense up and start to perspire. But he struggles to keep his voice smooth. "Uh, I'm certain I have no idea! B-but, um, I would be happy to install a device in your locker so that when they slip a letter through the cracks a camera turns on and records them."  
You blink; you only understood about half of what he said because he was talking so fast.  
àHad to be a family thing. But you managed to gather that he's offering to help you find out who your secret admirer is and you aren't going to say no, especially since he doesn't like you all that much and him offering to do something for you is rare. So you nod slowly and sheepishly accept his offer. He says it'll be done by lunchtime. You hope so.

**== Be Equius**  
You leave your sister and her friends in search of a towel. Oh how you loathe that kid and his uselessness. So timid. Not strong at all, you think. Utterly useless piece of meat. You grumble about it to yourself.  
But as soon as you round the corner you're slammed against the wall. You're immediately terrified because you know exactly who it is; there's only one person who can catch you off guard like this. He's quiet as a mouse in a mood like this. And you know he's in a mood because you can smell it.  
Apologies form in your mouth and more sweat drips down your body and he shakes you. "What the motherfuck was that?" he growls. "You better make motherfuckin sure he don't find out it's motherfuckin me, got that, motherfucker?"  
You whimper and nod, eyes wide behind your sunglasses. He lets you go and is gone in a flash. You clutch your chest. Anger builds up inside of you. You have nothing but respect, and contempt, for that man. How the hell he could have possibly fallen for that little twerp is beyond you, but you decide it isn't worth fighting anymore and continue your quest for a towel.

**== Be future Tavros**  
It's lunchtime and sure enough, your locker is outfitted with some fancy gadgetry. You thank Equius enormously and make your way to the cafeteria.  
Upon entering you see that Karkat and Sollux and Terezi are already there. Gamzee, Karkat's cousin, is on his way from the opposite side of the room. Your heart pauses for a moment; you've kind of sort of had a thing for him these past two years. You met when he literally ran into you in freshman gym. You fell out of your chair, and instead of pointing and laughing he'd apologized—though profanely—and put you back in your chair, dusted you off, and pushed you around the rest of the day so your arms wouldn't get tired.  
You don't know him all that well, though. You talk, and you hang out, but you don't really know each other all that well. You're more like…acquaintances than friends. But that hasn't kept you from falling for him.  
You try to ignore him and roll up beside the bench where Sollux sits. You've got the letters in your hands because you figure you may as well read them and nobody comments because they've seen this all before.  
You don't see the look on Gamzee's face as he sits down in the other side of his cousin, right across from you—you've discovered that he positively hates Terezi, though you don't know why exactly. You do, however, hear the humor in his voice when he asks you "who the lucky motherfucker is this time."  
"Same person, near as I can, uh, tell," you reply without looking up.  
"Seriously Gamzee, who the hell else would it be?" Terezi scoffs.  
"You know what I'll deal with you later, bitch," Gamzee retorts quickly, slamming the table right in front of you and you jump. "Whoops…sorry there, motherfucker."  
You snort and force a timid smile. "S'all good," you reply before going back to your letters.  
The words are blurring on the page. You let your mind wander because you really can't concentrate on the words before you. You just kind of start to ponder things. Does anyone you know write this way? Does anyone you know use a purple pen? You have no idea. You suppose you've always been curious about who this anonymous person is, but now…you look up at Gamzee, and you look at Karkat as he cuddles Terezi, and you look at Sollux and the recently arrived Eridan who are totally skating around their feelings for each other. You look back at Gamzee who is smiling wickedly at you and drop your eyes back to the page.  
You really wish you knew who this admirer was. You're sick of being lonely.

**== Be the mysterious spider girl**  
You stride up to the cripple's locker and slide the thin envelope in without hesitation. You snicker to yourself as you pull a really anxious face, looking around like you hope nobody's looking. You love your ability to play a character, especially for the purpose of messing around with the little foreign kid.  
You've always loved messing with that hamsteak in a wheelchair. It makes you snicker when he blushes and rolls away really fast. And now you've been commissioned with the task of leading him on? Perfection!  
You scamper away, shooting double pistols and a wink to someone somewhere off in the shadows. You don't really like the guy, but any chance to mess with Tavros is golden, so it was your pleasure to do this.  
Oh yes, your absolute pleasure.

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**A/N Short chapter is short. I'm not done this yet but hopefully it won't take very many chapters to be complete.**

**Yes, I do ship EriSol.**


	2. Chapter 2

**== Quit fucking around and be Tavros again**  
Your heart is thudding really really hard in your chest and do you know why? Because somebody put another note in your locker. You don't dare read it, oh no, not until you email yourself the file from the gadget Equius installed and watch the damn thing. You don't want any surprises. Who knows what could be written in this particular note, since it was dropped off later than the rest?

You'd rather not take any chances.

The minutes your home computer takes to load up are long ones, and you can feel that last letter burning your leg through your jeans. What if this letter says that none of it was real? That it was all some practical joke? Oh God, you hope it isn't Vriska. She would do absolutely anything to get under your skin. You'd be right back where you started years ago, except this time you would be set back about two years emotionally.  
Fuck it. You reach into your pocket as the application loads. You open up the letter as the video is buffering. Luckily for you, the letter knocks out your fears. "Tav," it says, "I don't think I can take being anonymous much longer. We should meet up sometime." In that same sacred purple pen. You've never thought there could be a more perfect hue to paint words with.

You aren't even all that upset, though you are surprised when you see familiar brown hair and blue eyes on your screen. The spider bully looks pretty anxious (relatively speaking) and you start thinking maybe, just maybe, this could work out after all.

The two of you have your little meet-up and she asks you out. She's got her cool façade up again (you're almost sure its fake) and you figure you can live with that for a while.

People start giving you weird looks. Well, weirder looks than you're used to getting. They die down after a few weeks but that doesn't mean people aren't still freaked out, I mean, why wouldn't they be? You're just the little pitiful foreign cripple and she's the scariest motherfucker in the whole school except for Gamzee. Everyone wonders how you managed that, and to be honest, you don't even know yourself!

It's a week until you share your first kiss. You don't know, you were sure you wanted it earlier, but then she actually kissed you, and you did enjoy it, but it wasn't something you were anxious to do again. You went on dates and you went to parties and your mom sure did like her. Vriska was awesome at putting on a show for your mother. But when there awere no adults around she was still just the same old Vriska. Bossy, mischievous, manipulative gamer that she was, you couldn't help but really start getting into the relationship the two of you had.

**== Be Tav's secret admirer**

Your plan backfired.

You expected your little plan would just satisfy his curiosity and things would go on as normal. That wouldn't have been so bad, right? But no, of course the spider bitch just HAD to get one last kick out of the kid before turning him over to you. Well fuck that. Fuck her, fuck the whole convoluted thing. You're going to tell him. You're going to tell him every God damned thing. You didn't waste all that weed and all those drugs just so you'd have nothing to show for it. All those long nights you sat up trying not to hurt yourself because you were sober and needed a clear head to write down the things you wanted to tell him most would not be wasted.

You want him to know it was you. You want him to look at you with those timid brown eyes and smile hesitantly as he says, "I love you." Not that he's said it to Vriska yet but you're sure that's how he'd do it. You want him to know that you're the one who wants all the things you outlined in those letters. You want to see all his personal kinks because you're pretty sure you've told him all of yours through various descriptions of what you'd do to him in the bedroom. Vague descriptions of course; didn't want him to get too freaked out. All those nights you spent thinking about him and you just wanted him to think about you the same way.

Either that or you just really fucking hate seeing Tavros with that heinous arachnid-obsessed bully.  
Whichever one it is you're fucking sick of it. You snort and drag the pillow out from under your head, letting out a loud animalistic groan as you slam it down on top of your face.

**== Be the spiderbitch**

God you don't know how that guy can want Tavros so much. He's a sweet guy, sure, gentle and caring and he's always looking to impress you and that's always nice, but…you can't stand being with him. It's not any fun! You can't watch him squirm and you have to kiss him sometimes and well honestly he just sucks at it. You can't be mean to him at all or he just gets a really hurt look on his face but what makes it bad is the fact that he covers it with a transparent smile as if he's not upset and damn that boy needs to grow some balls. You liked it better when you were just constantly harassing him.

Action needs to be taken. You've got way too many irons in the fire to deal with this much longer.


	3. Chapter 3

**== And now back to our featured Tavros**

A knock sounds at your door, but you just really don't feel like getting it. You don't want to see anyone, even Gamzee, even though you know he'll find his way in. He always does!

When he does you're still in the middle of your floor. Your stomach hurts and your head is spinning and you just cannot stop crying. Why can't you stop crying? You didn't really enjoy dating Vriska in the first place.

In case you've forgotten, she broke up with you about an hour ago. Wasn't even face to face, wasn't even a call. She fucking texted you. "Can I borrow your algebra notes tomorrow also I'm breaking up with you." What a fucking coward.

You can see the pity on Gamzee's face when he sits down on his knees in front of you. He smells stale and you know he's sober, you can just tell. His eyes are much clearer and full of emotions you don't think you even knew he had.

You're so fucked up right now. Once again your heart is drawn to him. You're sore as hell over Vriska leaving you but you look at Gamzee and you just really want to curl up in his lap and pretend for a moment that he's the one who wrote those letters, not her. You'd like for him to kiss you and to tell you everything's okay. You'd like to still be holding Vriska. Basically you're just not fucking sure what you want at all.

And then Gamzee's hand is on your shoulder. His long fingers squeeze you gently. You can't move but your mind is moving a million miles a second. Then he's rubbing your back, pulling a little and you get the hint and lean forwards, resting your head on his shoulder. The smell of old stale weed and laundry detergent greets you and you feel more at home than you thought you would.

Then he opens his mouth. You hear him take in breath. You hear his voice catch. You flinch a little, knowing Gamzee doesn't hesitate when he's all up and got something to say.

And then, "It was me."

It was me. What was you, Gamzee? You freeze. Was it Gamzee that made Vriska break up with you? Is that what he means? Or did Gamzee get Vriska to put that note in your locker? No way he could have known about the camera. And there was absolutely no way that he could mean he was the one putting the letters in your locker all this time…was there?

You sit back and you look him in the eye. They're a little nervous but they're honest. He smiles a little at you, a tired smile. "It was all me, Tav."  
"What was all you?" you burst out. His voice is unsettling when it's so low and calm and you can't take this anymore.

He looks at you with vacant eyes, shutting down somewhat. "I got Vriska to write you that fuckin note. I gave her the pen. I saw Equius put that fuckin thing in your motherfuckin locker. I FUCKING THOUGHT UP THE WHOLE MOTHERFUCKING THING. IT WAS ALL ME."

You flinch as the calm goes away and he immediately backs down, his hands which had been on your shoulders retreating back to his sides. Your face is confused and, you're almost certain, horrified. "What the h-hell?"

"Tav," he began again softly, "I wrote the letters."

You jolt all the way back against your chair. No words come to your mouth and it's almost like you've been kicked, but it also sort of feels like a huge heavy weight is gone from your mind. You don't bother confirming it; you can't stay in the same room as him any longer. You know you're going to start crying again, and that isn't something you want him to see after what he just said.

So you turn and wheel yourself as fast as you can back to your bedroom.

You are frantic. You can't believe what you just heard. It's kind of like a dream come true, sort of? Gamzee Makara. Gamzee Makara, the guy you've always kind of adored, has been writing you letters for six years. Six years! The amount of dedication and patience and mental stability he must have! Which, you know better than to think he's mentally stable, so you don't have any idea what to think.

All you know is you're getting hard as you sit there at the foot of your bed. You just started thinking about yourself and Gamzee in all the situations he'd described in his letters and you wonder just how accurate those descriptions are. You wonder what would be different knowing he's him and not a her.

But you're also still crying and still confused and really fucking hurt and scared out of your mind. How could Gamzee feel that way for you at all? And why would he put himself through the heartache of watching you with Vriska? Come to think of it, he always kind of found an excuse to leave lunch early, and his hate battles with Terezi had become rather tired and slow and not all that spiteful.

Suffice to say, you don't know what to do with yourself and this room is just getting too damn hot.

**== Be the other poor guy**

You sigh. You feel really tired and really angry and you want to sleep and you want to kill someone and you want to fuck Tavros senseless and you want to hit Vriska really hard and you think you might hate her more than you hate Terezi but that isn't even the point here! You never gave her the okay to break it off with Tavros. You certainly never told her it was okay to lead him on to the point of him falling for her, like you assume he had at some point. But it's not like it matters, shit's as good as wasted anyway. You should just go home and hit the bong. All you're really good at anyway, and it keeps you from hurting yourself and, more importantly, others.

You know what, fuck what you should do. You get yourself off the floor and make your way as casually as you can back to his bed room.  
You push his door open slowly, slowly, to find him taking off his shirt, gaze turned towards his pants, and your heart speeds up. You sniffle to let him know that you are there, and he swivels in his chair, and you can see his eyes and cheeks are freshly red. You walk over and scoop him out of his chair. The poor legless kid whimpers in protest, but lets you climb onto his bed and set him down in the center of it without a word. When you look down at where his hands try to shield himself you know for certain that you've gotten to him.

Maybe he was thinking about all the things you wrote to him? What if he was just so turned on by the fact that you were the one writing them that he just had to relieve himself with you still in the house? Gosh what a thought, what a fucking miracle of a thought. You kneel in front of him and he tenses visibly but he doesn't make a single noise of protest. Is that trust you see in his eyes or curiosity?

Doesn't really fuckin matter to you, now does it! You settle on your knees and reach forward towards his zipper.

**== Be the freshly exposed guy**

Your arms lock beside you as his long fingers curl around your semi-erect member. They're sort of cold and it sends shivers up your body for more reasons than one. For some reason, kid, you can't move. You can't say a word. You can only gasp and watch as his large, thin hand pumps you, slowly bringing you up to full hardness. His eyes are on you and that makes you blush even harder. He's watching every move you make, just like you're watching him, and you have to say, you're a little frightened!

His hand slides smoothly over your flesh, squeezing and kneading and swiping his thumb over the slit every so often, eventually spreading precum over your length. It feels so weird to you, far different from any time you've done this to yourself. You can't help but whine and bite your lip, and you're sure that's the reason he speeds up his movements. You throw your head back as his other hand cups and massages your balls, squeezing to the same tempo at which he's stroking you and holy fuck why didn't you ever think of doing that? Wave after wave of pleasure crashes over you and you swear you don't think you'll ever do this the same way again.

You chance a sneak peak at Gamzee and he's got his eyes closed, a smile on his lips and you suppose he knows that you're looking at him because he speeds up his hand. You keen and he sniggers a little bit, but fucking hell you're so close already, you're not really sure why that is.

Then the gravity of the situation catches up to you, finally, and your arms shoot out in front of you, landing on his shoulders. You push halfheartedly but he just looks back up into your eyes, which are still on him, and wide. He gives you a large smile, a smile that pulls on your heart and pushes away some of the fear building up inside of you, and before you know it his mouth is wrapping around the head of your throbbing member.

A loud cry escapes you and you throw your head back again, trying to push him off of you. He brings up the hand that isn't still stroking you and takes one of your hands in his.

Finally though the pleasure is too overwhelming and you come, without warning, into his mouth.


	4. Chapter 4

**Final Chapter**

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**== Be the dominant one**  
The hot sticky liquid flows into your mouth and you continue to suck on him, swallowing his cum until he falls against you, head resting on your back. You let him stay there for a minute and breathe, and you're feeling a bit out of breath yourself. And hot. You're hard. Mother of fuck, you're so hard, you're starting to feel far too uncomfortable.  
He pulls away from you, hand against his mouth and he's crying again. You turn his face to yours, which he resists at first, but you didn't really expect any less. "Look at me, motherfucker," you growl.  
He flicks his eyes towards you, frightened, confused, and tired. "Gamzee," he whimpers.  
You smile and shake your jacket to the floor before lying down on his bed, pulling him down beside you. He stares at you silently as you stroke his soft black hair. His breathing is becoming steadier, and that's good; you prefer focusing on that to focusing on your hard-on. For being sober, you're pretty calm, which doesn't happen often, but you suppose that little bit of sexual contact helped a little.  
You feel him shift a little closer. You didn't realize you closed your eyes but they fly open as he moves and you try to jerk your hips back, but the stub of his thigh brushes against you just so and you hiss.  
Gray eyes meet brown and he gives you a knowing look that makes you feel even hotter, more from embarrassment than anything else. You smile, though, sort of saying it isn't a big deal, but it turns into a sheepish one and you look down. You're not fuckin sure why you're all up and embarrassed about being hard after jacking off the guy of your dreams, but you are, and he can see it, you're sure of it.  
The next instant you feel the tightness in your pants lessen and suddenly his small hand is inside your boxers, cool fingers gripping your shaft. A sharp intake of breath, your eyes shut tight, and you suppose that's all the encouragement he needs because he's off. He pumps you quickly and harshly and you can tell he's inexperienced but you don't care because it feels like fucking miracles because it's him, it's Tavros, and you can hardly believe that this is happening right now. Soon you're bucking your hips in time with his strokes, biting your lip and whining.  
It isn't long before you come into his hand, gripping his wrist tightly and tilting your head back with a low groan.  
He lets out a heavy breath of air and your eyes meet as your orgasm fizzles to a close. You smile and bring a hand up to his face—the other one is still loosely around his wrist—and stroke his cheek softly with your thumb. No words pass between you, but you kiss his forehead and you wrap your arms around each other.  
You want to tell that adorable little fucker you love him. But you don't.

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**A/N: Whew! Well there's that. I hope you liked it. I wanted to continue it, to make it this whole long drawn out thing, but i personally find those types of fanfictions annoying and it really felt like it should end here, so it has! I'm sorry if you expected more, I just don't want to kill this story by adding too much to it, but rest assured there will likely be many more PBJ fics from me in the future :)**

**My writing style is just weird these days, so I'm sorry if things seem awkward or short **

**Thank you for reading!**


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